My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize