Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
