i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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