Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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