mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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