Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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