I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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