uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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