We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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