I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
did i just pee glitter
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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