The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Text me some of your sweat
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
