I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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