Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Randomize
