He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
