my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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