if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
