does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
