1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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