I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
