The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
