What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
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