I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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