He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
