I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
