You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Help. Why am I so naked?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
