kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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