you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
