my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
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