Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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