I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
