I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
