Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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