i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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