WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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