note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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