I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I puked a lego.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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