When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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