My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I wish there were birth control emojis
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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