He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
