I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
