how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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