she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
