Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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