I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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