I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
