The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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