i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
