You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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