You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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