Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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