A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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