There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
