Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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