she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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