I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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