I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
