P.S. I can't hear my feet
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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