Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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