I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
