I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
