YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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