I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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