Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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