I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
